thank you for the space we shared

(<-- Us with our certificates and $1,000!!!)

I should have posted again before I finished Katimavik, but it was a pretty hectic emotional roller coaster for some of us, including me. I can safely say I've never had so much difficulty saying bye to a group of people. I wasn't sure how to express it, so this is what I came up with:

Just imagine the bonds created amongst your group. Imagine living with the same people for 9 months, and experiencing absolutely everything together. Then imagine arriving at the airport, rushing through security, and waiting anxiously as your group reconvenes. Hear the boarding calls, feel the nervousness of seeing your parents and friends back home, but become distracted by the sadness you feel knowing you have to part with your new family. The tears stream down your cheeks and confusion sets in - you hug each individual, embrace them a minute longer than usual because you know it could be the last physical contact you share for a long time, or for ever. The emptiness inside your chest deepens as you watch your best friends backs leaving towards their gate and disappearing through the doors. You don't remember the bus ride to the airport, or handing over a credit card when you've been told your bag is much too heavy. You can't put a finger on the last thing your project leader said to you, or what it felt like the first time you walked into your last house. You probably couldn't even tell someone what it felt like the first day of Katimavik, the first time you met your group. All you know is your group is gone, you're sitting in front of a Tim Horton's and wondering how the hell you got here. You face is a mess of salty dampness, the weight of your backpack on your shoulders doesn't exist because all you feel is the ache in your heart. You finally get the strength to stand, and a snap back to reality tells you people are staring. You walk towards your gate when boarding is called and absently hand the flight attendant your boarding pass. Five minutes later and you're in the plane, seated by the window, head leaned against the cold plastic siding. This is it: the day that you talked about since September 23, the day you said you'd never know what to expect until it happened. Truth is... you still don't know what you're feeling. And even as the plane roars to life and takes off, you don't have a chance to feel nervous because your mind is filled with memories of the past 9 months. The only thing keeping you strong is a fellow Katimavik-er sitting behind you. You don't talk, but just the presence is enough because there is at least one person on this plane who understands how you feel, even though he wasn't in your group. The seatbelt sign turns off, and you drown out the engine with your music. Relief eases the tension in your jaw and a sense of calm rushes through you."Wagon Wheel" comes on and a smile parts your lips because it reminds you of home... not a physical home, but a home that forms when a group of ten people come together.

25 days to go... but who's counting?

I haven't posted in a long time, and I'm not going to give some excuse like I've been busy or something. Yes, Katima-life is a busy life, but at the very end, it has also proven to provide me with little or no blogging inspiration or motivation.

My job at Manoir Saint-Joachim has been a good experience for me. I do a lot of physical labour, like cleaning, moving furniture, and painting, as well as serving lunch every day to seniors. Although it can be tedious, it is rewarding to see the effects that my helping out offers these people, who have little mobility and often no family to come help them out. Most are appreciative, some are nasty old folks, but I deal with it. I often stay late but, again, I deal with it. It's certainly not my favourite job... in fact, it's been my least favourite... but I can't complain. I've had INCREDIBLE job experiences.

The tension in our house is enormous and incredibly obvious. On the outside, we seem like a happy group that loves each other, but what goes on within these walls is completely different. We fight, we bicker, we argue about using margarine or butter, and who left the bathroom light on. I get along with the good majority of the group, but the other people I could most certainly do without. To be honest, it's quite disappointing. You'd think after 8 months of living and spending every waking moment together would result in stronger bonds and relationships. But no, not quite, unless we just aren't good at showing it. Perhaps this is a coping mechanism for some, that's what I'd like to think anyway.

Despite the bad times, they are what help us learn. For me, they have helped me see the true colours of the people I thought I trusted, and have helped me appreciate the people I didn't truly appreciate before. Our group has had many good times, and those are what make being here worth it.

No matter who I keep in touch with, no matter who I lose touch with, people are meant to come in and out of my life. Katimavik has taught me that.

Did I mention 25 more days?!

Goodbye B'wat, HELLO Eddy!

Sorry about the lack of updates in such a long period of time. I guess I've just been really busy with the hectic Katima-life, that I haven't had a chance. It's hard to get any free time, especially in Edmonton when we're always able to do something fun.

Our goodbye party last rotation was the best one we've had. Granted we'd only had two by that point, but considering how big of a flop our first one was, this one was EPIC! We had it at John's workplacement - Hillside Pines Senior Centre - and everybody came. All of the billet families (mostly), all of the work partners, and a lot of the friends we made in Bridgewater. It was a huge success. There was good food, we did it potluck style, music, a slideshow, a little presentation, and socializing. Rachelle, Phil, and I went outside after with our work partners to say bye... can you say, tears? Despite how sad it was, we definitely got in some good laughs. COUGAR CAT! If you were there, you'll understand that comment.

The end of Bridgewater was a sad one. It started off with my job, saying goodbye to the kids was harder than I ever could have imagined. It's so sad seeing them leave with their parents, knowing I may never see them again. And ontop of that, saying bye to some of the most amazing women I've ever met (other than my mom) was incredibly difficult, too. My work partners gave me the lovliest card ever, and bought a cake and had a little going away party for Rachelle and I. My boss gave me a Bridgewater hat and t-shirt... I can't say I still have the hat, but I do have the t-shirt!

My boss gave Rachelle and I such a great speech as we were leaving... it lasted about 10 minutes, so I can't say I remember it all, but it followed the idea of following our dreams and making the best of our lives. She said we both have great potential and she hopes we continue working with people, because that's where we should be. I can't say I've ever seen someone so sad to say goodbye to me. She is one of the best people I've ever met, and I hope to go back to Bridgewater again to see everyone.

Our group left Bridgewater for Windsor, Nova Scotia for our final rotation camp with the Wolfville, Halifax, and Spryfield groups. It was so nice to see the familiar faces! Our first night we did our rotation presentations, and surprised Matt with a song to the tune of Wagon Wheel. We got him to come up and play guitar for us, and he got all teary eyed! One of the saddest moments of that rotation was saying bye to Matt. It's crazy how I didn't like him at the beginning, and he ended up being my favourite PL out of the two we had. He helped me so much, with my confidence and with my guitar playing. He always took time to help and talk to me when I needed it. As he left in the van, a couple of us ran outside to wave. He stopped the car, and jumped out and ran over for one last hug, then went back to Bridgewater.

Afterwards, Val and I sobbed outside.

But camp WAS really fun. We had a ton of free time to hang out with the other groups and catch up and just relax. Windsor is a really beautiful place. It was interesting to see how independant everyone has become. In our orientation and first rotation camps, everyone kept together. But in this rotation camp, people still hung out together but I also saw a lot of people taking time to theirselves. I think that's one of the great things about Katimavik... it makes you confident in who you are, and gives you the ability to find happiness in being alone. I was alone a lot of one day. I sat by the water, went on a walk through the forest, and walked up to the top of a hill to look down on the view of beautiful Nova Scotia. During that moment on the hill, I really appreciated where I was from and the person I've become. I'm glad I didn't have a camera to snap a photo... I like keeping this memory in my mind.

In a frenzy the morning we left, because the bus arrived an hour early at 2am (at which time most people were not awake), all four groups packed the bus to go to the airport. We arrived there and made it through security with enough time to get some breakfast. Our flights were alright, apart from some crazy turbulence, so bad at one point that they made an announcement to not panic! I find I'm getting way more used to flying though, and sitting beside a very calm woman helped as well. Her Vogue magazine was more interesting then that hunk of metal we were in that was bumping about in the middle of the sky.

So, we got to Edmonton, all in one piece. Set up our rooms in the basement. YAY TO AN ALL-GIRLS BATHROOM! I'm rooming with Robyn, Jillian and Val, which is really nice, although a little cramped. I room with 3 messy girls... and I'm the only clean one. Frustrating, but I can deal with it.

I work at a french senoir centre named Manoir St. Joachim. It's an alright job... not the best, but it passes the time and I get those little moments that make me happy to be there. It's A LOT of work, my lunch break is usually about 30 minutes, some days 5 minutes and standing. I mostly to maintenance and cleaning work, and I serve lunch at 11 to the residents. My bosses are both very nice people and I will have lots of opportunities to do things with the residents.

My group has gone out to a few of the bars and clubs on the weekends. Our first night in Edmonton, Val, Jillian, Robyn and I went to Devaney's Pub near our house. Weekends after we've all gone to The Walkabout, Hudson's, and The Iron Horse, and plan to go to other places later on.

Billeting starts next week, which is a little intimidating. I've never really liked billeting, even though my last billet was an amazing experience. It's always very nerve-wracking, but I'm just hoping I get a good family this time around.

Until next time!

East Coast Music Awards!

My Katimavik group traveled 5 hours to Cape Breton to volunteer at the East Coast Music Awards. We stayed at an elementary school in town with the 4

other groups in our new rotation, and, to say the least, it was one of the best excursions ever! We had so much fun getting to know the other groups, and playing music together. We arrived at The Big Fiddle, which is a venue used for the ECMA's. Our volunteer job was to help take down all the tables. Little did we know, we'd be casually walking in on Joel Plaskett's sound check! Our project leader, Matt, knew about it but got all of the other project leaders to keep it a secret from us so it would be an awesome surprise. After sitting in on his sound check, we got to see a free show of Coco Love (a new Canadian artist from the Maritimes) and the Joel Plaskett Emergency. It was a live show put on by CBC Radio 1 Atlantic Wave.

The following day, my group and the Spryfield group went to a French Acadian show at a local pub, which was so much fun! Really upbeat music, plus we got to square dance. Afterwards, my group went to a nearby Wildlife Park that houses rescued animals... everything from arctic foxes to bald eagles.

We had such an amazing weekend, although poor Dan is sick with pneumonia, but hopefully he is getting better.

Billeting #2

I just arrived at my second billet home yesterday evening, and I love them already. The great thing about billeting is that you really get to know a local family, and I get to improve on my adapting skills. They are such a kind-hearted group of people, and I can't wait to get to know them better. I've been quite sick recently, so I wasn't able to go out with them this weekend, which I'm really disappointed about, but hopefully I'll have other opportunities. Their grandchildren live with them as well, and I'll be helping out at her granddaughters birthday party on Saturday, so that should be fun!

Billeting makes me a little nervous about going home in June. B

ecause I've been surrounded by 10+ people all the time, there is always something to do and always someone to talk to. Back home, I would go out with my friends but I was also content just sitting around at home. At this point in my life, I don't really enjoy doing that anymore. I found myself getting bored easily and feeling the need to do something, but getting frustrated when I couldn't find something to do. However, I got halfway through "Into The Wild" in one day... I think Katimavik is making me a faster reader, and giving me a greater thirst for knowledge.

But, as I was saying, I hope I'll be able to find things to do at home. Like I said, I'm nervous about not having a group of people around me all the time, as I've grown so accustomed to it. However, at the same time, maybe that is one thing I subconsciously looked for in Katimavik... to ignite my drive to DO something.

I find myself quite turned off by TV now. I no longer want to watch it. In fact, it's become almost an annoyance. I did watch some of the Olympics today but, not being a huge hockey fan, I turned to A&E and watched one of those lame detective shows (that claim to be realistic, but what reality they refer to I d

on't know.) I found I couldn't just turn my brain off like I used to be able to. Instead of just vegging out, every so often I would think... what else could I be doing with this time?

So, here's to a new goal for post-Katimavik: find replacements for easy boredom-fixers.

What I'd like to do this summer:

- write, compose, and record music

- read challenging books (

W

ar and Peace, Solitude, White Fang, and those alike)

- research things that interest me

- take photography more seriously (i.e., consciously pack my camera and set out to take planned, and spontaneous, ph

otographs)

- write more about important topics, with the possibility of submitting articles

- get back into collaging, but with more complex mediums

- make regular trips to the Salvation Army/Value Village and start altering clothing

- get downtown more often,

and do touristy things, as I feel slightly disconnected from my hometown

- spend way more time in the outdoors

- find unique volunteer opportunities

This list will definitely grow...

Relationships, work, and nostalgia

I haven't felt very motivated to post on my blog lately. Mainly because it's been a little stressful in the house, and I've been sick. The atmosphere of our house is really interesting, and sometimes I just like to sit back and observe. I feel like we have matured as individuals, but there are still some key factors that we lack. Many changes we have made are being disregarded, which is very discouraging for us. Rasheeda knew everything about us, as individuals and as a group. She saw us at our worst and at our best. She saw us change and evolve into the group we are now, and it feels like it's just all gone to waste because our project leader lives in a Katima-bubble.

My job is going very well, and it's been especially nice getting to know and work with Rachelle. I feel like I'm really doing something for the community, even if it's as little as taking care of their kids while they relax, or organizing a Spa Day for the mother's with Rachelle.

A young deaf girl came into my work last week, with only the clothing she was wearing (that she'd worn for 5 days). No jacket, no boots. It truly was heartbreaking to see her at such odds. I helped her find some warm clothing in our exchange downstairs, which she was incredibly grateful for. It really made me reflect on my privileges. I realize how much I have taken for granted.

It's really surprising how quickly relationships can change... how one minute your best friend becomes questionable, and the person you thought you hated turns out to be the one you can most confide in. And then there are those people who you don't know what to think about. At first, you can't imagine your life without them, and then you wonder how you can be friends with them. It's frustrating, feeling like you are out of control, but luckily my job makes me feel grounded in some way.

I don't regret doing Katimavik. We have a love/hate relationship, which I think is the case for everyone in this house.

halifax & lunenburg

We had an excursion to Halifax and Lunenburg on the weekend. I would say it was probably the best weekend I've ever had in Katimavik. We went to Halifax on the Saturday and went to the Brewery Market, where we saw all sorts of vendors, clothing and food. Then we went to the Pier 21 Museum, where just over a million people emigrated to Canada, and we went to the Atlantic Museum. We met the Spryfield group at the museum - not sure what I think of them, but one of the girl's is from Stittsville and she knows a guy I used to go to school with! Very small world. Then we went to the Halifax group's house for dinner and a walk into downtown. I absolutely love the people in their group. They are all so nice - I felt so comfortable with them, we became friends right away. Val and I will probably hang out with them when we go to Halifax this weekend.

On Sunday we took a drive to Lunenburg, which was such a beautiful little town. We walked around a little and went on one of the docks, and sat with our legs dangling over the water with the sun glaring down on us. It was such a serene moment. We all just sat there in silence and watched the water in the distance. Then some of us went to Subway for lunch, then we drove to Hirtle's Beach. The sight of that beach with the snow and sand and waves crashing was just breathtaking. It reminded me so much of Melbourne Beach, where my granny would take my mom and then my family started going.

It was such a relaxing weekend, and it was so nice to see more of Nova Scotia. I'm really excited for the last weekend of February, because Dan and I have been planning an excursion to PEI and Dieppe, New Brunswick. We will be staying with the old London group, which I'm good friends with!

the b'wats

I've been in Bridgewater, Nova Scotia for exactly 2 weeks now and am so far enjoying it very much, although it still doesn't feel home like Port Colborne did. My job is going well and I'm loving working with Rachelle, although I'm a little worried about when I'm alone there because there isn't much to do sometimes. It's been good working with her because we combine both of our ideas and can create little projects for ourselves. However, when the centre is busy it's very fun! I've discovered a love for working with children, especially with toddlers ages 3-4. The women I work with say I have a gift for children, which is really interesting because I would always say that I hate kids and they hate me. There is one boy at my work who has a lot of speech problems, so it's been interesting to interpret what he says and help him when he stumbles over a word. I've been reading a lot of speech therapy books and have been told that I can work with him. Rachelle and I finished putting together a personal wellness guide for the spa-day we're doing at our job for mothers to come and relax.

Yesterday we had an amazing workshop with Paul, our PSL (project support leader), about different types of diets and how they impact us and our environment. He used to be vegetarian, then was vegan, and now he eats meat again as long as it's organic and free-range. It was very interesting and definitely inspired me to learn more about what I'm eating and how it affects everyone else and myself. He also talked a lot about how soy products can be very harmful to the body, so I'm going to look into alternatives. I've been 100% vegetarian since mid-rotation in Port Colborne, so I'm very proud of myself for coming this far!

When Paul came yesterday night, we had a huge jam session. Matt played ukulele, Rachelle played violin, Dan played the tambourine, and I, Paul, and John played guitar. We played the song Wagon Wheel, and it was so much fun! So magical. I'll post pictures as soon as I get them.

B-WHAT? B-WAT!

Group #32137 arrived in Bridgewater, Nova Scotia at around noon, after leaving camp at 3am to catch a 7:15am flight. The first thing I noticed, stepping out of the airport, was the moist scent of water in the air. We met our bus driver and drove from Halifax to our house in Bridgewater.

So far, this town has treated us like royalty. In the first few days, we had a lovely woman give us a whole load of groceries (including pork chops, carrots, potatoes, and apple coffee cake!) Then her son came over and hung around for a bit, bringing us chocolate chip cookies!

On Thursday, our group did our work tours. Pretty much all of the work placements sounded amazing, but I lucked out and got my first choice at the Family Resource Centre. Basically the place is geared towards offering aid to at-risk single mothers. I'll be working in child care, and socializing with people who are waiting or need someone to talk to. I'm also working with Rachelle for a few days a week, which will be good for our relationship.

Today is my nineteenth birthday, as well! I woke up bright and early at 9am, helped with cutting onions/potatoes for our big breakfast. Then we did some workshops and activities with Matt and went bowling later on!

Last Friday night we volunteered from 6pm-10pm at the YMCA. The first two hours were spent playing games and running around with younger kids from 5 to 13, and the second two hours were spent working out in the workout room and playing basketball with the older kids. It was so much fun, and because of it we get monthly passes for only $10, and that gives us access to every room in the building, including any exercise classes. I hope to go do some yoga and zumba, and take full advantage of the pass. Katimavik is even paying for the first month for all 10 of us!

On the topic of Matt - what a cool project leader! I feel so motivated to learn and do things here, and I think he has something to do with that. He is so enthusiastic about environmental awareness and healthy living. His ideas for our common room are so creative, too. We have the "Good Karma Tree", which is basically a tree and you can write good things people have done for you on leaves and stick it on the tree. Then he has the "Katima-Firsts", which are clouds that you write firsts you've had in Katimavik and stick them on the ceiling. Then we have the "Goals Wall", which is split into two using tape. One side we stick all of the goals we want to accomplish here, and once you accomplish them you move them to the other side of the tape. We also have an "Environmental Awareness Contract", and each of the leaves represent one thing we want to do to help the environment, and when they are not being 'obeyed' we move the leaf outside the bigger leaf.

I'm very, very excited to be in the Maritimes. There are so many hills and so many cute little buildings to explore. Plus, we are right on a river, which we hiked around the other day in the snow (so beautiful, we saw deer!) My job is a good 30 minute walk from the house, up and down hills, so I should be in shape in no time!

Over and out.

closing time

We just finished having our closing ceremony. Rasheeda made a fort "cave" in the common room, and each gave us fake candles. She asked us questions to think about to reflect on our time here, and our regrets and disappointments, and after we all put the candles in the middle to signify leaving it behind and starting new in Nova Scotia. It was sad, but good too. We are all going out tonight on the town and walking around to our special spots. It's definitely hard thinking about leaving... we are all attached, not just to Port but the memories we made here. It is exciting to be leaving, and I'm excited for camp to see my friends from other groups, but it's definitely going to be hard... it's been such a great experience because I've never really had to move and say goodbye to a place where I've had so much growth.

It's not goodbye, it's see you soon.

resolutions and epiphanies

Our group has been at a divide for a while, mostly regarding a relationship in the group. I can acknowledge that this couple became an easy way to get out our group's frustrations. When something went wrong, it was so easy to turn it on them, and finally, for me personally anyway, we've come to a conclusion. Maybe not a conclusion, but a new beginning.

For a long time, I was always the person that would complain when something didn't go right, and do nothing to change it because I convinced myself there was someone else prohibiting me form doing so. I would argue, I would take things personally, no matter what the argument was about. I never really made an effort to understand where people were coming from, because I would be so stuck on my own opinion, even though I thought I was understanding.

Even in the first 3 months of Katimavik, I think I have made a huge personal transformation and I really see it in myself, and so do other people. I don't complain anymore, because I realize if there's nothing I can change, then why worry? And when there IS something I can change, instead of complaining, I change it. I really LISTEN to people now, and I really try my best to understand and clarify what they are saying.

To use a specific example, I always saw this couple as simply a couple, almost as a catalyst in the negativity our group has been experiencing. We, as a group, put them in a box and gave them a list of things they could and couldn't do. We had so many expectations, and these expectations chained them down. It was only yesterday, when I had a meeting with them, that I had my epiphany. Towards the end of the conversation, I saw them turn to each other and smile... and I started to cry. Not out of sadness or anger, but out of pure happiness for them. I stopped seeing them as this evil couple, and I saw them as two of my close friends in love.

My relationship with them, as a couple and as individuals, has done a complete 360.

Yesterday night, Val and I went out for a bit and had a long talk about everything. We talked about how I've changed, and how Val saw herself in me at the beginning of the program. We talked about Robyn and John, and about Rachelle and Phil, about everything.

I feel like, from as long as I can remember, I filled my life with negativity and it was my fault. I chose to hold on to that negativity inside me. We had a workshop with a man named Henry Wai and he told us something I will never forget. He told us that our life is like a glass of water. You can fill it up with negativity, or you can choose to pour some negativity out and make room for positivity. And when you choose to do that, do you learn HOW to improve your own life. I feel I have done that, and I have never felt so happy and proud of myself in a long time.

The difference between my group and other groups is that, despite our polar differences and arguments, we genuinely care about each other and about solving these problems. Otherwise, we wouldn't spend 5 hours (no exaggeration) at every meeting trying to solve our problems. I am beyond grateful and proud of my group, and I can't wait to see how we continue to progress through this program.

Not only have my personal realizations made my group living better, but I feel like I appreciate my family that much more. I feel like I've opened up my eyes, and can see clearer. I am so privileged to have them and their unending support for everything I do, and I hope I can give that back to them one day.

happy katima-new year!

I have a bigger, more important, blog coming tomorrow, but for now I just want to wish everyone a very happy New Year! And for those of my friends in Katimavik right now, happy Katima-New Year (because we all know everything in Katimavik is different than "real life.")

it's a katima-christmas!

I think this Christmas surpassed all of what we thought it was going to be. I thought everyone was going to be sad and down because we are away from our families, but it actually made us come together more. We spent the whole day cleaning and preparing Christmas dinner. Then we all went off in our own groups to church, which was really nice! Then we came home (the english people were home first) and had a mini-dance party and just a bunch of good chats. Everyone came home around 10pm, so we had our big Christmas dinner... tofurkey for us vegetarians! We then played the gift game my dad made for us, and opened our secret santa presents. Rasheeda was my secret santa and she bought me a beautiful mug with an M on it, a cute little recycled journalism-type notepad, and a really cute bookmark. Then Robyn and I opened our Christmas gifts from home at midnight.

Today was a little harder... we went and volunteered at a soup kitchen type lunch at the local Port High School. It was stressful, but I still enjoyed it because I liked socializing with the people who came.

Overall, it was a nice Christmas. I do miss my family though, they are coming on the 28th which will be really great! We actually leave on January 4th, which is my student's first day back, so I'm going to go hang out with them that morning before I go. That'll be a hard day.

i'm running on empty but still running on

To state the obvious, I have been incredibly busy. Katimavik purposefully makes December the busiest month for us so we spend little time being sad about being away from home. To be honest though, we are all still sad and now we're stressed to the max as well. I guess Katimavik means well though!

This past week has been very hard for me. I've loved my job at Second Chance so much and have made some really good connections with most of my students there. I've been absolutely dreading to face my last day in that classroom, but it came and went, and I'm still in shock.

My last day was really fun. We watched a really lame National Lampoon's movie, then had a huge Christmas "dinner" (it was actually lunchtime) and then they all got to open their presents given to them by the community. It was so nice to see them so happy, that's probably my favourite part of Christmas... seeing people open their presents. I gave them all the letters I wrote and I think they all appreciated them. They all gave me a really sweet card, some personal letters, and a Port Colborne High School sweater! I looove it. It's huge, but so comfy to sleep in.

It's hard having to say goodbye so quickly to people you feel you've made friendships with. I almost feel like I haven't done enough yet, like I need some sort of closure to be OK with moving on. But I know this is also part of Katimavik, learning how to say goodbye, and I hope I'll be able to keep in touch with some of my students and possibly see them in the future.

take our hands out of control

This entire week I have been living with a family during the billeting phase of Katimavik. For lack of a better word, it has been interesting. It is definitely a shock moving in to a completely strange place, away from the 9 amazing friends I have made and lived with for the past 2 months. Not only that, but I had to move to Wainfleet, which is about a 30 minute drive from the Katima-house and from Port Colborne, the small city that I have grown so attached to. However, the family I am with has been very kind and generous, and they also own 2 horses on their property. Despite the fact that they are quite religious and I feel pressured to go to church with them, it has been a good experience, but I am ready to move back into the Katima-house tomorrow.

This past week I've been really reflecting on my placement at Second Chance, the relationships I've made, and the risks I've taken and am overall quite happy with the outcome. Part of me regrets being so shy at my work placement to begin with, but at the same time... that is who I am, right? I am shy at first, and it was quite intimidating. I am proud to say that I have made breakthroughs with the students and have come out of my shell a lot, which I feel is setting me up very well for my next two placements in Nova Scotia and Alberta. I'm learning a great deal about who I am as a human being, as Meaghan Wray. I'm realizing that I am capable of much bigger things then I ever imagined.

Now, thinking about my first placement and how fast it is going and how soon I will have to leave Port Colborne and everything I've grown comfortable with, I'm realizing what I will have accomplished here. This first placement is really teaching me how to say goodbye, and how to let go and accept the pain as not just something BAD. Pain doesn't have to be bad. This particular pain shows me that I am capable of making relationships, and not being afraid to make connections with people in fear of having a tearful goodbye. My life is going to be filled with many goodbyes, especially in the next 7 months, and to be able to deal with them is going to be a huge step.

you can't go back now

Sorry for the long lack of posts! A lot has happened between today and the last time I posted, but I'm going to try to condense it into a couple of paragraphs so as not to bore you.

We had our 48 hours off a couple weeks ago. A lot of people went home, some went to Hamilton, and 4 of us went to Toronto. Myself, Robyn, Dan, Mya, and Jillian went to Toronto. The first night we were so tired we just went to bed, but we walked around a bit before that. The next day was jam packed. We went to the CN Tower, and walked all through China Town, Little Italy, Little Portugal, and some of Kensington Market. Then we went to the Eaton Centre and shopped at all the stores we don't have back home. That night I got to see Randy, a guy I used to work with at Starbucks, and he invited us over to his apartment to hang out, then showed us around Toronto at night. The day after we met up with my brother, went out for lunch, and walked all through the trendy part of Kensington Market. It was so much fun to look through all the little vintage shops. I found some good deals, too! I got a really nice leather bag for $40, and it's huge and can double as a camera bag, and I also got a 100% wool hat for $5!!! It was so nice to see my brother before he goes off to Korea to teach english. Got a little teary-eyed leaving... it made me homesick again. Toronto is such an awesome city, but I actually missed Port Colborne!

This past week we had a great time with our project leader away for training. We all got along so well, I think because we didn't feel the pressure like we do when she's here. We love her, but it's nice when she leaves too. We're surprisingly responsible as a big group! Saturday was an absolutely beautiful day... we were suntanning outside all day, and me and a couple others biked over to Nickle Beach. I was in shorts and a t-shirt all day, then had a movie night with Robyn and John. We watched Paranormal Activity and The Boy In The Striped Pijamas... odd mix, I know.

Yesterday we drove to Niagara Falls and hiked at The Gorge, which is a really pretty path that leads you all the way down to the falls. Then we drove to Niagara On The Lake and spent some time there. It's pretty, but it's expensive and doesn't have that much to do.

I found out that I'm billeting with Tom Davies, the man who runs community living. I'm so excited because he's such a nice guy and he lives on a horse farm in Wainfleet! I heard his wife is really nice too

I wish our first rotation was a little longer... I'm really going to miss the people I've made connections with at my job. It's going to be so hard for me to leave them. I guess I've just gotten attached, and I need to learn how to move on. It would be neat to maybe come back to visit them next summer though. However, I have 6 months left of times to look forward to.

i'm on a road, so i need a car

While talking to Rachelle tonight, she asked me a seemingly simple question, "Why are you here?"

I paused for a moment to think. I went over all of the responses I could give her. I could have said I wanted to see Canada, to learn french, to meet new people. I could have said I wanted to learn about myself, learn about Canada, discover new career opportunities. Then I realized how common these answers were, and how I'd never really verbalized my "Katima-intentions", in my own words, before.

So, I told her something like this...

My first goal isn't to learn french, or to live in new situations, or to figure out what I want to do with my life. I don't expect to become an environmentalist, or a volunteer-addict. I don't expect to come out of Katimavik knowing exactly what I want to do, with a concrete plan on how to get there. What I want from Katimavik is a new perspective on life; an internal drive to go out and get what I want with this precious time on earth I've been given. What I want from Katimavik is the willpower and confidence to rely on myself, to be self-serving. What I would like to gain from Katimavik is the ability to be comfortable with not knowing what comes next, the ability to look at the bigger picture, and be OK if something does not go as planned. Katimavik has already sparked my desire for adventure, and inspired the risk-taker in me to take the leaps I wouldn't have taken, had I chosen university instead. That, in itself, is already a huge accomplishment.

there's better people with more good to do

Happy Halloween!

The Hamilton group came to Port Colborne yesterday and we had a great time reverse trick-or-treating and watching a scary movie, 28 Days Later. We got all dressed up in our costumes and took some pictures. It was so nice to see the group! It's a good way to keep the friendships I have in that group stronger. It'll be hard when we aren't in the same cluster anymore next rotation, but I hope we will still all keep in touch.

My week as house manager went really well! Valerie and I get along great, and we are both hard workers. We worked really hard the entire week, and it was nice to sleep in, too. What I liked most about my week as house manager was getting cooking experience. I made 3 meals by myself. The first one I made was really stressful... I made Mexican Bean Casserole, and for me it was a harder recipe. I had to get used to how to time myself, put on what at what time, but in the end I think it tasted pretty good! I also made two tofu vegetable stir-frys, which were also really good, to me anyways. I'm not eating any meat anymore except for fish! It's hard because a lot of people in my group really like meat, and they get frustrated having to make vegetarian meals, but it's a good learning experience for them and I don't think they really understand why I choose not to eat meat. It's hard because they make me feel guilty for being a vegetarian, and that's not fair to me.

I'm looking forward to getting back to Second Chance.

i'm like fuel on fire

I haven't had time to update in a while! Our whole group has been so busy with work and group activities that I haven't had much time to just sit down and type.

A quick recap of my last week...

There has been noticeable tension within our group this past week. Everyone was kind of getting on everyone's nerves, and things were not going too well. So yesterday night, our group had a 4 hour circle talk where each person says one good thing and one bad thing about each other person. It was pretty tough, there were some tears, but it has made our group SO much better. Because everything's off our chests now, we have a new clean slate to work with.

On Friday night, we raced through dinner and helped out at a haunted forest. We got to dress up as zombies and scare people, although we didn't really scare anyone... but we tried! Then after some of us went out to a heavy metal show at The Hub just down the streets 10 minutes, which was REALLY fun! Good music, good times. Although one guy tried to crowd surf and fell on his head! Ouch...

Today was a really good day at work. I think I made some progress with one of the toughests students to get through to, so I'm really happy about that. There's some Halloween party at the Queen's Hotel next week, so I think we might try to go to that if we can.

while we're on the subject

Just a quick update...

I had a great first week at work! Even in just the few days I was there, I was able to connect on some level with almost every student. Some not as much as I'd like, but I'm making progress for sure. I like the idea of Second Chance. It adapts to the student's needs, rather than the student having to adapt to how a school is run. I think EVERYONE could benefit from a program like it. They get to work at their own pace. I helped a couple of them do some outdoor work yesterday, which was a nice way to be able to bond with them on a more personal level. I like that T let's us spend time together outside of school, so I'm not just a teacher's assistant to them, but hopefully someone they can trust. I was invited to a party yesterday night, but never found out where it was. That's OK though, there will be more!

Our end of trimester excursion is probably going to be Toronto, which will be so much fun because we can stay in a hotel and I'll hopefully be able to see Alannah and Adam.

Anyway, hope everyone has a happy Thanksgiving! We get two turkies for 12 people... woo!