resolutions and epiphanies

Our group has been at a divide for a while, mostly regarding a relationship in the group. I can acknowledge that this couple became an easy way to get out our group's frustrations. When something went wrong, it was so easy to turn it on them, and finally, for me personally anyway, we've come to a conclusion. Maybe not a conclusion, but a new beginning.

For a long time, I was always the person that would complain when something didn't go right, and do nothing to change it because I convinced myself there was someone else prohibiting me form doing so. I would argue, I would take things personally, no matter what the argument was about. I never really made an effort to understand where people were coming from, because I would be so stuck on my own opinion, even though I thought I was understanding.

Even in the first 3 months of Katimavik, I think I have made a huge personal transformation and I really see it in myself, and so do other people. I don't complain anymore, because I realize if there's nothing I can change, then why worry? And when there IS something I can change, instead of complaining, I change it. I really LISTEN to people now, and I really try my best to understand and clarify what they are saying.

To use a specific example, I always saw this couple as simply a couple, almost as a catalyst in the negativity our group has been experiencing. We, as a group, put them in a box and gave them a list of things they could and couldn't do. We had so many expectations, and these expectations chained them down. It was only yesterday, when I had a meeting with them, that I had my epiphany. Towards the end of the conversation, I saw them turn to each other and smile... and I started to cry. Not out of sadness or anger, but out of pure happiness for them. I stopped seeing them as this evil couple, and I saw them as two of my close friends in love.

My relationship with them, as a couple and as individuals, has done a complete 360.

Yesterday night, Val and I went out for a bit and had a long talk about everything. We talked about how I've changed, and how Val saw herself in me at the beginning of the program. We talked about Robyn and John, and about Rachelle and Phil, about everything.

I feel like, from as long as I can remember, I filled my life with negativity and it was my fault. I chose to hold on to that negativity inside me. We had a workshop with a man named Henry Wai and he told us something I will never forget. He told us that our life is like a glass of water. You can fill it up with negativity, or you can choose to pour some negativity out and make room for positivity. And when you choose to do that, do you learn HOW to improve your own life. I feel I have done that, and I have never felt so happy and proud of myself in a long time.

The difference between my group and other groups is that, despite our polar differences and arguments, we genuinely care about each other and about solving these problems. Otherwise, we wouldn't spend 5 hours (no exaggeration) at every meeting trying to solve our problems. I am beyond grateful and proud of my group, and I can't wait to see how we continue to progress through this program.

Not only have my personal realizations made my group living better, but I feel like I appreciate my family that much more. I feel like I've opened up my eyes, and can see clearer. I am so privileged to have them and their unending support for everything I do, and I hope I can give that back to them one day.