take our hands out of control

This entire week I have been living with a family during the billeting phase of Katimavik. For lack of a better word, it has been interesting. It is definitely a shock moving in to a completely strange place, away from the 9 amazing friends I have made and lived with for the past 2 months. Not only that, but I had to move to Wainfleet, which is about a 30 minute drive from the Katima-house and from Port Colborne, the small city that I have grown so attached to. However, the family I am with has been very kind and generous, and they also own 2 horses on their property. Despite the fact that they are quite religious and I feel pressured to go to church with them, it has been a good experience, but I am ready to move back into the Katima-house tomorrow.

This past week I've been really reflecting on my placement at Second Chance, the relationships I've made, and the risks I've taken and am overall quite happy with the outcome. Part of me regrets being so shy at my work placement to begin with, but at the same time... that is who I am, right? I am shy at first, and it was quite intimidating. I am proud to say that I have made breakthroughs with the students and have come out of my shell a lot, which I feel is setting me up very well for my next two placements in Nova Scotia and Alberta. I'm learning a great deal about who I am as a human being, as Meaghan Wray. I'm realizing that I am capable of much bigger things then I ever imagined.

Now, thinking about my first placement and how fast it is going and how soon I will have to leave Port Colborne and everything I've grown comfortable with, I'm realizing what I will have accomplished here. This first placement is really teaching me how to say goodbye, and how to let go and accept the pain as not just something BAD. Pain doesn't have to be bad. This particular pain shows me that I am capable of making relationships, and not being afraid to make connections with people in fear of having a tearful goodbye. My life is going to be filled with many goodbyes, especially in the next 7 months, and to be able to deal with them is going to be a huge step.

you can't go back now

Sorry for the long lack of posts! A lot has happened between today and the last time I posted, but I'm going to try to condense it into a couple of paragraphs so as not to bore you.

We had our 48 hours off a couple weeks ago. A lot of people went home, some went to Hamilton, and 4 of us went to Toronto. Myself, Robyn, Dan, Mya, and Jillian went to Toronto. The first night we were so tired we just went to bed, but we walked around a bit before that. The next day was jam packed. We went to the CN Tower, and walked all through China Town, Little Italy, Little Portugal, and some of Kensington Market. Then we went to the Eaton Centre and shopped at all the stores we don't have back home. That night I got to see Randy, a guy I used to work with at Starbucks, and he invited us over to his apartment to hang out, then showed us around Toronto at night. The day after we met up with my brother, went out for lunch, and walked all through the trendy part of Kensington Market. It was so much fun to look through all the little vintage shops. I found some good deals, too! I got a really nice leather bag for $40, and it's huge and can double as a camera bag, and I also got a 100% wool hat for $5!!! It was so nice to see my brother before he goes off to Korea to teach english. Got a little teary-eyed leaving... it made me homesick again. Toronto is such an awesome city, but I actually missed Port Colborne!

This past week we had a great time with our project leader away for training. We all got along so well, I think because we didn't feel the pressure like we do when she's here. We love her, but it's nice when she leaves too. We're surprisingly responsible as a big group! Saturday was an absolutely beautiful day... we were suntanning outside all day, and me and a couple others biked over to Nickle Beach. I was in shorts and a t-shirt all day, then had a movie night with Robyn and John. We watched Paranormal Activity and The Boy In The Striped Pijamas... odd mix, I know.

Yesterday we drove to Niagara Falls and hiked at The Gorge, which is a really pretty path that leads you all the way down to the falls. Then we drove to Niagara On The Lake and spent some time there. It's pretty, but it's expensive and doesn't have that much to do.

I found out that I'm billeting with Tom Davies, the man who runs community living. I'm so excited because he's such a nice guy and he lives on a horse farm in Wainfleet! I heard his wife is really nice too

I wish our first rotation was a little longer... I'm really going to miss the people I've made connections with at my job. It's going to be so hard for me to leave them. I guess I've just gotten attached, and I need to learn how to move on. It would be neat to maybe come back to visit them next summer though. However, I have 6 months left of times to look forward to.

i'm on a road, so i need a car

While talking to Rachelle tonight, she asked me a seemingly simple question, "Why are you here?"

I paused for a moment to think. I went over all of the responses I could give her. I could have said I wanted to see Canada, to learn french, to meet new people. I could have said I wanted to learn about myself, learn about Canada, discover new career opportunities. Then I realized how common these answers were, and how I'd never really verbalized my "Katima-intentions", in my own words, before.

So, I told her something like this...

My first goal isn't to learn french, or to live in new situations, or to figure out what I want to do with my life. I don't expect to become an environmentalist, or a volunteer-addict. I don't expect to come out of Katimavik knowing exactly what I want to do, with a concrete plan on how to get there. What I want from Katimavik is a new perspective on life; an internal drive to go out and get what I want with this precious time on earth I've been given. What I want from Katimavik is the willpower and confidence to rely on myself, to be self-serving. What I would like to gain from Katimavik is the ability to be comfortable with not knowing what comes next, the ability to look at the bigger picture, and be OK if something does not go as planned. Katimavik has already sparked my desire for adventure, and inspired the risk-taker in me to take the leaps I wouldn't have taken, had I chosen university instead. That, in itself, is already a huge accomplishment.

there's better people with more good to do

Happy Halloween!

The Hamilton group came to Port Colborne yesterday and we had a great time reverse trick-or-treating and watching a scary movie, 28 Days Later. We got all dressed up in our costumes and took some pictures. It was so nice to see the group! It's a good way to keep the friendships I have in that group stronger. It'll be hard when we aren't in the same cluster anymore next rotation, but I hope we will still all keep in touch.

My week as house manager went really well! Valerie and I get along great, and we are both hard workers. We worked really hard the entire week, and it was nice to sleep in, too. What I liked most about my week as house manager was getting cooking experience. I made 3 meals by myself. The first one I made was really stressful... I made Mexican Bean Casserole, and for me it was a harder recipe. I had to get used to how to time myself, put on what at what time, but in the end I think it tasted pretty good! I also made two tofu vegetable stir-frys, which were also really good, to me anyways. I'm not eating any meat anymore except for fish! It's hard because a lot of people in my group really like meat, and they get frustrated having to make vegetarian meals, but it's a good learning experience for them and I don't think they really understand why I choose not to eat meat. It's hard because they make me feel guilty for being a vegetarian, and that's not fair to me.

I'm looking forward to getting back to Second Chance.